France

I leave for France tomorrow and I made a blog for my family..the link is on the right side of the page but just in case, go here- http://landersgofrench.blogspot.com/ to keep tabs on me and my family!

merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I'll be back January 3rd

on my knees

i'm making myself sick to my stomach...i just want things to be better. I just want everything to be how it's supposed to be. I just don't know what that is.
Being a kid was so much easier. The hardest choices I had to make were to color or play with my dolls, to watch rugrats or ninja turtles...now life sucks. I want to do what God wants for me but I have no idea what that is!?!? I wish I could just be like Evan Almighty or Bruce Almighty and just be able to see God and talk face to face with him, have him send me packages telling me what to do...ahhhh I dont want to be wasting time if I'm not in the right place, if I'm not doing the right things but I have no idea what is right and what is wrong..all i know is i feel sick, I just want to sit in a ball and cry all the time..

of course this has to happen at finals too..

i really dont need to watch stupid girly love movies...rawr

Ode to the park...

this is the second edition of my "ode to .." poems, if you missed the first, i'll add it as a comment, not gonna lie its meant to be read

on that note i shall remind all of you at magnolia how poorly run your complex is and as quoted many times in all my mass communications classes a great quote..."don't pick fights with people who buy their ink by the barrell"...or those who know how to work with the people who do...moohoohahaha

Ode to Magnolia Park

Park, oh park

where do i start?

Oh park oh park

I'm afraid to go out after dark

Front page news you might have made

its wasn't for the "cheap" prices we've paid

Cars and rooms gettin broken into

and still you wonder why residents are few?

Again i'll mention the prices are steep

with workers like yours, residents you wont keep

walls so thin, forget about sleep

here comes the fire alarm.. 18-19-20--BEEP

yup thats right, every twenty seconds it sounds

but behind a locked door it still resounds

what? give me a key? 

that'd be too easy

 fill out an order from, that'd be GREAT

Dont' worry about the beeping, i'll just wait

in a week or so that problem will be solved

and maybe my hearing or sleeping will have evolved

afternoon shuttles are always late

only part of what i hate

rap at 8 in the morning

party shuttle horn will wake you without warning 

Your ads in the nade

wouldn't make the grade

all your pictures are stetched

gaining new residents from these, is really farfetched

next year lower prices, what about me?

lived here two years, you just jacked up my fee

Didn't get any perks from signing last year

Next year I'm so glad I won't be living here!

:)

"All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on"

what is it with this time of year...with that song..

leave me alone for a weekend with nothing to do but argue with my thoughts and a book on love and i fall apart. I thought grey's anatomy was bad enough, now this...

There she was again, sprawled out on the bed, same spotted comforter same tear streaked pillows, just a different room and a different reason. This time she only wished she could figure out the real reason. See, somewhere along the way, since the last time she was here she'd lost herself. Now in the midst of her thoughts and cries she can't figure out which way is up. No longer could she rely on leaps of faith, she'd already jumped, full speed ahead, and now lay suspended above the ground not knowing which way to go.... Afraid to go to God, afriad to get on her knees she just cried, praying under her breathe, maybe He'd still hear her...

Checking her makeup in the mirror, she saw how her tears made her even less graceful, but who was pretty through tears, especially when she didn't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

She was actually happy underneath the stress and confusion, but wasn't sure how long that feeling would last, it changed so frequently lately. One minute she was head over heels the next afraid of the truths that made her not deserve it...Nothing comes easy these days. That's part of growing up she realizes, no longer sure she is ready to be an adult. Terror is all that goes her mind when she weighs options., Next year she'll be on her own, graduated (giving all her money to the socialist government she now lives in) away from all that she defines herself by. She knows it true, when everything else is gone, when she's all alone theres nothing there...she was empty with out people to tell her how to act and how to feel. Just a shell, with nothing inside...Except those tears

Maybe its time to throw the shell out, break free and see... the problem is that comes with consequences, ones i'm not ready to face...

"Feels like I slip further from you every single day

It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain"

"butterflies are free fly why, do they fly away, leaving me to carry on and wonder why..."

hello blog, its been awhile..

Three things..

1.  Growing up sucks

2. I found a garden

3. I have no ambition to succeed anymore

1. Growing up sucks, thats pretty much sums it up. Adult doctors are mean and uncaring, adult decisions are hard and complicated, adult situations come with too many strings...I dont know my place...

2. I found a garden..seems right out of secret garden huh? I can even hear that creepy little girl saying it.."

i found a garden, its a secret garden" all in her british voice almost whispering it...anyway. I didn't really find a garden, I just remembered about one on campus. As much as I hate school these last couple of weeks..hell this whole semester, I still love this campus and this place. But, for the first time, I tried to study in the little garden in the middle of the A&S building. Its a little dead and dark, but it s

mells amazing and their are little blooms everywhere. And the trees..wow, I love fall..Fall could be another number in itself. But there was this one tree, its leaves a deep red, it was amazing. Took away

 from the evil spanish i was studying. It was perfect...but then, of course, I was kicked out of the g

arden, not literally. More of pushed out because a class was coming out there and there weren't enough chairs and no way could i study with a class sitting all around me, crowded out if you will.  Something always finds its way in, something always more important, better...I've learned to accept it... One day. One day, nothing will get in the way of where i'm supposed to be and it will be beautiful.

3. No ambition. I need a fall break, i'm worn out. Stressed to the point of breaking, I see the light but I dont k

now if I know how to relax anymore when I finally reach the light. Plus, no matter what effort I put in, I go no where. I hate spanish. Have I said that before? Just in case not, I'll say it again. I HATE spanish.  Work is almost as draining as school. Being a hard worker is giving me no ambition when everyone around me slacks off and works half ass and still gets paid  the same or a little less then me, why even try. To bad I can't NOT try...dangit stupid work ethic...

SPEAKING OF WORK ETHIC... what's the point of striving to excel with taxes Obama plans to emplement. Do I think I will be making over 100,000 in the next four years (hopeful thinking)? NO, but what's the point of trying too? Why would I want to go back to school, spending money that to get an education that will allow me to make more money in a work place when I'm going to be giving a large portion of that money to people who POSSIBLY don't deserve it. Yes, some do, but some are lazy ass people who just sit on their butts all day and would rather live off of hand outs...why should I be one of the people that gives them a hand out? Why no sit back, watch some tv and decide not to get up for awhile...I'll still make money and this time I wont have to do anything for it. This is why I have no ambition...why i hate having a work ethic and wanting to always do my best, be my bed

(side note, i have nothing against the person, Barack Obama, I am actually proud to say America has a black president, even though he's only half black. But I dont agree with his policies and that does not make me racist, so shut up people! I dont care what you think about abortion, letting a baby die that has developed enough to breathe and cry outside of the womb is murder, not abortion. And I wont start on his health plans, i'm just praying I dont have a surgery in the next 4 years, God forbid I have to think about 8 years, that would be 12 years without surgery, i'm lucky when it comes to my surgeries but I dont think i'm that lucky.. sorry for the rambling, I"m going to support our President because thats what America is supposed to do, even though I can make a pretty accurate guess that 95% of the people who are bitching that "this is america support your president" have been doing anything BUT that the last couple of years with President Bush. So ya...breathe...exhale..done)

AND...I want a kitten 

finally

Finally he's gone...

i'm so sick of fake friends. I'm so sick of girls getting rewarded for making out with random guys, having sex when they have boyfriends, forgetting about the world-including their so called friends when it comes to their guy, and hating other girls for dating someone when you can turn aroudn and do the same thing to her SEVERAL times and not think twice...

finally he's gone, 7 months of figuring my life out before he tries to throw my world for a loop again...finally he's gone now just get the heck off my mini-feed..

Lord-again its in the box, only what the 5th time...this time it's yours..

p.s. this week has sucked, i hate being sick, and I miss Joe more than I ever have...and its going to be the longest we haven't seen each other in awhile....i just want to lay in bed and cry until things get better but i'm too stressed--don't have time to do nothing..

belittled

Sometimes I hate the way I act around people. I try to be someone that can talk to anyone, get along with everyone and get past faults of myself as well as in others and see who they really are...

But, and its a big one..ha, some people just make me uncomfortable...and no i dont mean the aspects of me that are shy and bring me down in PR (i still hate asking for freebies..prob always will) I mean, I can't talk to them I feel belittled in their presence. I hate this, and I guess to an extent most people feel like this at certain times but why... Do i really think so little about myself that I can't even be myself infront of someone who doesn't even deserve it. I hate thinking about what i say before I say it to the extent that I won't say something that is pertinent to a convo or even how I feel about something to someone who I should be used to be now...but no. Why do I even care? dkljaf;klej;lk

I think it all goes back to that quote-"I'm impossible to forget, but hard to remember..."  its still true...

just a few quick thoughts...

So I try my best to see the best in all people. I try my best to respect people's different views, religions, race (reflectors..haha), opinions..but some people are just plain dumb..

I hate assumptions and generalizations but I'm about to make one..get ready..here it is:
extreme left wing democrats are just dumb

Seriously, I understand that you want change, I want change...I'll even go ahead and say I understand some of your view on things and may even agree to a degree or two..but seriously if you want respect then stop acting like idiots. I'd take you more seriously if you weren't making a fool out of yourself at the republic convention, if you weren't applauding and cheering when your candidate talks about katrina victims yet give a half ass clap when he talks about war heros and your own countries soldiers, when you put a pig with lipstick as your facebook picture...seriously grow up.

become educated individuals about BOTH candidates..dont make your choices on race, political party, or age. Learn, listen, research then I might respect you a little more...

and serioulsy..susan surandon (sp?) you are an idiot...
yes Jesus was a "community organizer" and Herod was a gov..but please do not equate Jesus with Obama and Palin with Herod...think about that one for just a minute and then I'll let you try that again...

ok the end.

Honest is easy...fiction is where genius lies

After hearing many complaints over the last couple of weeks from males and females about the opposite sex, as well as a few personal encounters, including my joyous occasion of quitting Deano's after a week because of the creepy manager who wouldn't stop hitting on me among other things...I've decided to give some of my views on things..


four truths about all women
1. we can't drive (some worse than others)
2. we are brain ninjas..and proud of it :) (if you dont know what this is, google it and shame on you!)
3. we are bitches (maybe not all the time, but we are..i'm scared of most of women)
4. We get hurt a lot more than we let on

Now as for generalities there are many for women, and some of them are true, but not for all of us. Yes, MOST of us will go for the wrong guys, but..MOST of us grow out of that. If you want the drop dead gorgeous whores and no one else, then stop complaining when she moves on to the guy whose gonna treat her badly, she's used to it. Give her a few more times of getting her heart stomped on, she'll most likely change her ways.
I dont want to hear one complaint from any guy who starts dating a girl they met at a bar who was trashed and immediately all over you, and then she does the same thing a few weeks later to a different guy when you had to stay at home and study...hmm if you want something real...stop looking at bars, you wont find them there, if shes there she wont be the one all over you.. she'll be the one all over her boyfriend or with her girlfriends.

I've dated plenty of trash, but I've learned from it.....but there comes a point when most girls get tired of being shafted, or being forgotten and cheated on and we grow up. The sad part comes when we finally find the guys that have given us the sob story of "nice guys finish last" over and over again...and they turn into the same guy that only wants a piece of ass and then will be on their way for the next hott whore that passes.. its just the cycle of dating. As girls grow up, guys continue (or revert back) to their childish immature ways...

I apologize for all the guys that've gotton screwed over by the "nice guy" line, i've done it myself, but stop screwing over the right girls and wait around...because the girls that really are looking for the right guys are getting screwed over by the guys just pretending to be those guys..

nice guys really do finish last, but they also end up being the last one for the right girls...

scared

School starts in three days
I move back to Milly tomorrow
I'm pretty sure it will only be me and kfo this year
Counting Jellybeans...or skittles
I dont know if I have a job
I'm pretty sure I'm taking 17 hours this semester.....
So out of shape
Just got back from a full SEVEN days with Joseph and his family, including six extended family members
Amanda wont be around next year
I'm an aunt!
What if I dont get the job I want after I graduate?
Is it possible to keep things together when it is all falling apart?
Why is everyone engaged?
what happens when the passion disappears but the pain remains?
Is the future really that terrifying?
He is my favorite...
I want my happy ending, but too afraid to find it..

Finally..
I'm broken..

random break from labeling

This is a completely random vent/ break from my 2670, yes twenty-six thousand and seventy, labels I have to put on envelopes.
Not complaining about the work, it is something to do and I’d rather be busy than searching for work, so that’s not the point of this random look into my day and vent, just wanted to sit back and break and let this out.

I think there are certain qualities of a person that don’t belong in the work place, I mean obviously there is always going to be that one person who has them, no matter where you work, but certain personalities traits need to be left at the door as soon as you enter the work place, wherever that may be.
Now I’m not one of those people who thinks all parts of your personal life should be left at home, in reality yes, they should be, but that’s practically impossible. You work with these people every day, there are going to be times that you talk about personal things, they get to know you, they know parts of your personal life. BUT one thing I think should be left at home is your dating ventures, yes you can talk about who you are dating, IF ASKED, talk about a date, IF ASKED, talk about spouse or kids IF ASKED, but DO NOT look for a mate at the workplace! DO NOT expect to find someone to date where you work. I mean do you really want to work with someone everyday and then spend all your time at home with them as well, probably not, so don’t complain about how everyone you work with is in a relationship and you are not, do not hope that one of your co-workers breaks up with their boyfriend or girlfriend (or spouse) so you can date them, DO NOT continually flirt with them and tell others how you agree or disagree with their relationship because you want to date them… leave it at home, talk about it with your outside of work friends—it doesn’t belong in the office, or just shut up.

There is also usually a nosey person in every office, but you don’t need to know what someone is doing every second of the day, you don’t need to know who they were talking to on their cellphone and you DON”T EVER ask about job opportunities. If you are an intern and applying for jobs at the same place as other interns (or not even interns, in general) DO NOT ask why you think you are no longer being considered and they are…obviously they are better qualified then you… don’t seek pity, shut up, suck it up and move on. Maybe you are not cut out for the job, maybe you have a lot less experience then you think. Another thing along with this, DON’T BRAG..it’s annoying, unattractive (back to the first part) and just not a good quality to have in anyone, especially if you have no right to brag. At times, yes its good to say when you’ve done something and are proud of it, and if its worth bragging about I’m glad to hear it but I don’t care if it isn’t really a big deal.

I could go on, but I better get back to my labels, maybe I’ll vent again later…I do have a interview thingy later, not really because I can’t get a job here because unlike all the other interns I’m still in school, but I at least want people to know I’m interested and to remember me in a year…so wish me luck on my “talk” haha (I know no one reads this)

Anyway, back to the labels..

oh ya and I really dont care what you are applying for, honestly if you get a job here, I'd be surprised and I may in deed continue looking out of state for next year..(that was mean..opps)

at work...

Right now I am at work, so I don’t know how well this entry is going to go (don’t get mad, I’m allowed to look around on the computer when I have nothing to do, and I’m actually typing this in Word, so as not to be on my blog at work..oh how I love to cut corners). I’ve just got some things I need to work out and sometimes the best way I can do that is through my fingers typing away at the computer I just don’t know what I”ll actually get to since I’m expecting a day of examining excel sheets in my future. :)

Plus, today seems to be starting out slow and I’m alone in my lovely intern office today. I’m enjoying the peace and lack of annoying bragging going on to my left, but I am kinda missing Kerri’s wacky stories, she really does meet the craziest people.

Is it bad that I sort of love my little corner mini cube? I mean yes, we have three interns shoved in a small office, but I do have the window of the office and I have my cute signs made to welcome me and my amazing penguin I made for an example at the Christmas in July Holiday Card Art Party. I showed Joe around Friday night, not inside but I asked him to drive me over here so he could see where I worked and so I of course could show him where the terrorists are planning their next attack.

No seriously, there is the most creepy building at the entrance of the CHOA office park. It used to be a Bellsouth Tower attached to a nasty looking motel, now it is well an empty tower surrounded by fences and barbed wire in parts, with a creepy motel that never has more than one car in front of it. The rest of the cars park underground, and there is a security guard that is there 24/7, ya Joe and I saw the guy watching tv in there at 9 at night… something shady is going on over there… I want to know what it is!

Jason just came back…I’m waiting for the “funny” story of the morning for the reason he is late…probably because he has his second interview for the job I want but can’t even interview for because I still have a year of college. Blah, stupid college.

Life just doesn’t like me right now, it’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I’m not going to be able to go into all I want to right now, partly because Jason just came back and mostly because I know those excel sheets are on their way to make my day, oh joy. But, I’ve never been so confused in my life, trying to be an adult sucks. I’ve finally let myself start thinking about the future and I’m scared out of my mind and no longer know what I want, which is almost scarier than knowing the answer and not liking it. I just want answers, I know I have to give it to God, but my “God box” is at school and I haven’t broken down to the point where I’m willing to give it up. It’s my stubborn nature, I’ve prayed about it, but letting someone else, even if it is God, have complete control over whats going to happen is going to be a process, and slowly I’m getting there.

Basically I’m just going to leave it at this…

“The word “Passion” comes from the latin word, passio which means ‘to suffer’.”

Sidenote: I really really do not like people that talk just to hear themselves talk and think everything they do and say is better than anyone else…yes I am talking about a particular person that I will so glad to not have to see again after this week.

p.s. I can’t believe my last post was just over a month ago, and how that was one of the first times I let myself think about the future this time and how twisted my mind has come since then…

break me…

just the way he speaks drives me crazy and not in a good way, and i realize that now. after-the-fact.
After-the-fact...what a strange yet depressing term. Sometimes I wish we didnt' have to learn after the fact. I wish i could see straight through people, see past the fake intentions and insecurities to what makes them act... we'll see.

running today i thought of something, well no something I pretty much continually think about lately..and by lately i mean the last 9 months..(no i'm not pregnant!!!! ) yes, joseph :) and then I thought about brandon chandler..weird huh? For those of you who dont know BC, he lived in my neighborhood before i moved to where my parents live now and we were decently good friends. We always discussed relationships and such and something he always told me (as background-he was never really given the chance he deserved from girls, including myself) that "nice guys finish last" and ya know what....I hope he is right. I have the perfect guy, and secretly I hope he does finish last, because that means I get to continue to have the best guy I could ever dream of...


ok enough of that..i dont think like that anymore for a reason..same reason i keep biting my tongue...things are good why mess them up...

i'm yours..

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch closer dear
and i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what i be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
this is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family; 3rd time: A lá peaceful melody)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
The sky is your's!

unraveling enigma

I love how I still get excited when Joe and I go on dates..granted we've both been poor lately and haven't gone on a "real" date in awhile, but I feel so giddy knowing that he's about to come pick me up and take me to dinner.. 7 months ago he was just my best friend, and we were just getting back to that best friend status after a long period of awkwardness...

i know i still confuse the boy, and that is partly because I am woman (hear me rawr..ha) and the other just because I'm his enigma.."a person of puzzling or contradictory character,a riddle"
I dont see how I'm a riddle to him anymore, I dont see how he can't see straight through me...straight thru the "I like yous" to see that they are really "I love yous" ...but how do you tell someone you've confused for the last two years that you honestly love them and dont want to confuse them anymore..or even harder how do you let your own heart believe the I love you coming from your voice after hearing it so many other times and knowing there was no substance to it..
Love is my enigma...I still don't understand God's love, no thats wrong, I do understand God's love I just lose grasp of it too easily...but I haven't figured out how to find the connection between Loving God first and loving others second...I think love follows another definition of enigma...something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained;...

continuing to climb but never settling and trying to jump..

forgive and forget

last sunday-easter sunday, my church started out with a familar song that I never thought of in the way it was portrayed..partly because i never thought about the words. (my church is very very contemporary)

the transporters song..what i've done by linkin park
In this farewell There's no blood There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
Put to rest What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands Of uncertainty
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
For what I've done I'll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

these lyrics are so powerful, and to answer the question i just received...i needed it to forgive..i need it to let go.
Baggage sucks.period.
Go to God, lay it down on the alter, give it up. All easy words, all almost impossible actions. "Come Beloved"...i hear it, i fear it more..

A knot of thankfulness and hurt because of one person. I thank God he was in my life, because he brought me out of a hole so deep, a torment so wide, a friend when i felt i had none, because he gave me hope and made me realize maybe i did deserve better...but then nothing...I emailed him today, just to say hey...i am beyond happy with Joseph so no fear in that...i even heard he has a girl too..so no harm done...Now he is in the box, God has it under control.."Today this ends"

next step: dealing with saturday...

Let mercy come ...

swinging of life

i'm confused at life..it just wont swing my way.

deeply affected by the things i watch

..i think i'm starting to become depressed..or something..idk, i'm stressed and all i do is school and i dont like it..
i can't get back to my standard, i can't be happy or sad..i'm just indifferent..

except of course when i watch a cheesy movie (27 dresses..not cheesy best movie out there at the time) or greys anatomy or anything..its the only time i feel extremes..i hate emotional rollercoasters

who needs angels anyway...

sara bareilles has to be my favorite female musician at the moment, and in my period of dwindling down to nothing, but an indifferent, useless, ball of hurt..i've come to enjoy her song come around soon very much..

could use another cigarette.But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet.One too many drinks tonight and I miss you,Like you were mine
Your stormy words have barely brokenAnd you sound like thunder though you've barely spokenOh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God,Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
You may be my final match.'Cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catchIt never took much to keep me satisfiedBut all this bullshit you feed me you miss me you need meThis hungry heart will not subside
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave like I'm just one more tortured heartBut baby don't be fooled.Cause these cracks that I show as I'm watching you go aren't tearing me apartAnd I know I'll see you soon
The angels said I'd smile today. Aw well who needs angels anyway?
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.


the only thing keeping me sane almost fell apart last night..i hate this "being left" complex i have...but its hard to expect more when you've never received it...

scared

i'm not ok..something is wrong. I'm so indifferent to everything and i just dont feel like me anymore. and the only person i feel comfortable talking to about it, i can't...

how do you tell the one person who keeps your life together that you're falling apart...especially when you are trying to make sure all the pieces of him are staying together without letting him know that maybe you are scared...

rants and rawrs

roommates are a crazy thing...sometimes you love 'em, sometimes they can drive you up the wall. well i've got 3 lovely ladies as my roommates. #1 is quirky, messy and loud, but never around, so really all i see of her is the whirlwind of her messes as she runs out the door. #2 lives a life around her boyfriend, who she never is happy with and always makes her cry, and lately has been mia or around but not "around". she also happens to be leaving us next year and hasn't told us yet (she told two of our mutual friends...riight smart idea..)which is making me beyond angry...and #3...she's pessimisstic, sarastic and is always right..and has been my friend for a very long time. I love them all, especailly #3, but i'm going crazy.
#3 let me know that i was spending too much time away..which i agree ..i was, but now i feel like i have to be around everytime she is home.. but when i'm there about half the time i'm going out of my mind because i'm being argued with, cleaning up after the other three, or being told how lonely and bored #3 is..ya thats right a constant packing of my bags for that guilt trip. now dont get me wrong the other half of the time i love being around her, joking and doing things..but i can't take extended periods of time there...this is who i am. If i am at home, i like to spend time with everyone, watch tv, etc..but i need dana time..i need to chill i need to get my stuff done and i can't do that anymore b/c i'm having to stretch myself in 500 directions, i want to spend time with the boy and other friends, but i'm afraid to lose my friendship with #3 so i stay at home more than normal, i feel bad about leaving, so all the time i spend at the home i spend interacting with whoever is here,which i believe is causing an even bigger drift between the two of us, b/c i dont want to be aroudn at all any more..no longer do i leave to go see the boy just b/c i want too..now its also an escape..i had to escape last year from ashley, i dont want that again..but i can't figure it out..i just wish she would get involved with something..get off her butt and do something, plans, activities and friendships dont get made by sitting on your butt basking in your lonliness...

another thing..i still haven't jumped off that limb..but i will when the times right..i almost did the other night, and actually wish i had, it was a good time, so i thought but maybe it wasn't...i dont think its what he needs to hear right now. he needs a shoulder to lean on i need to be the strong one for once..ok ok i usually try to be the strong one with anyone else, but with him, i'm weak b/c he knows me inside and out...he was so honest and open with me, and i love that he can show me that side of him. i know he's scared and to be honest I am too, but I'll be there with him every step of the way, i'll help him fight this..or at least pray that God works His way back into his life to show him how God really won't let him fall, and really will pick him up before the burdens and trials get to heavy...i know God will prevail...

...what i dont know is how much more he can handle...so i haven't been completely honest with him..I know i need to get my fears to God and we can figure it out, but i'm scared out of my mind and wish i could tell him what i'm thinking, but its not worth the fear if nothing is going on. i've been doing some research and possibly feeding my hypocondriacc (sp?) tendencies by looking up symptoms and I've come up wtih a possibility of 3 things that could be going on..one is normal and is going to happen no matter what (i hope..ha) #2 i have the slightest fear is going on..its practically impossible and #3...terrifies me, b/c it is possible and yesterday i had the biggest symptom...but i have to make sure #2 wont happen and then i'll get things checked out..really i will..or at least i'll tell someone about whats been going on..so i've got about 2 weeks..then i can worry..just hopefully things dont get worse, i just dont feel up to par, and acting like i feel above that par is making things even worse, but I'm a big girl (who might be stupid for hiding this..) i can handle it..


sorry this makes no sense..none of my stuff does..i just write to write..and i had too..

new year, new classes

well school started today, ok to be technical yesterday they started..but for me really today. i think this year is going to be a good year, i'm making 2008 my upwards spiral, it started of course in about september with life in general but now i'm going to add in a better schedule (minus spanish..rawr) and i'm ready to get that first step forward to my best year yet in college..

ya ya we all know i can only blog when i'm upset or fired up about something, but i'm gonna try to do this more frequently, maybe every once in awhile you'll catch a good one :)