"All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on"

what is it with this time of year...with that song..

leave me alone for a weekend with nothing to do but argue with my thoughts and a book on love and i fall apart. I thought grey's anatomy was bad enough, now this...

There she was again, sprawled out on the bed, same spotted comforter same tear streaked pillows, just a different room and a different reason. This time she only wished she could figure out the real reason. See, somewhere along the way, since the last time she was here she'd lost herself. Now in the midst of her thoughts and cries she can't figure out which way is up. No longer could she rely on leaps of faith, she'd already jumped, full speed ahead, and now lay suspended above the ground not knowing which way to go.... Afraid to go to God, afriad to get on her knees she just cried, praying under her breathe, maybe He'd still hear her...

Checking her makeup in the mirror, she saw how her tears made her even less graceful, but who was pretty through tears, especially when she didn't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

She was actually happy underneath the stress and confusion, but wasn't sure how long that feeling would last, it changed so frequently lately. One minute she was head over heels the next afraid of the truths that made her not deserve it...Nothing comes easy these days. That's part of growing up she realizes, no longer sure she is ready to be an adult. Terror is all that goes her mind when she weighs options., Next year she'll be on her own, graduated (giving all her money to the socialist government she now lives in) away from all that she defines herself by. She knows it true, when everything else is gone, when she's all alone theres nothing there...she was empty with out people to tell her how to act and how to feel. Just a shell, with nothing inside...Except those tears

Maybe its time to throw the shell out, break free and see... the problem is that comes with consequences, ones i'm not ready to face...

"Feels like I slip further from you every single day

It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain"

"butterflies are free fly why, do they fly away, leaving me to carry on and wonder why..."