rants and rawrs

roommates are a crazy thing...sometimes you love 'em, sometimes they can drive you up the wall. well i've got 3 lovely ladies as my roommates. #1 is quirky, messy and loud, but never around, so really all i see of her is the whirlwind of her messes as she runs out the door. #2 lives a life around her boyfriend, who she never is happy with and always makes her cry, and lately has been mia or around but not "around". she also happens to be leaving us next year and hasn't told us yet (she told two of our mutual friends...riight smart idea..)which is making me beyond angry...and #3...she's pessimisstic, sarastic and is always right..and has been my friend for a very long time. I love them all, especailly #3, but i'm going crazy.
#3 let me know that i was spending too much time away..which i agree ..i was, but now i feel like i have to be around everytime she is home.. but when i'm there about half the time i'm going out of my mind because i'm being argued with, cleaning up after the other three, or being told how lonely and bored #3 is..ya thats right a constant packing of my bags for that guilt trip. now dont get me wrong the other half of the time i love being around her, joking and doing things..but i can't take extended periods of time there...this is who i am. If i am at home, i like to spend time with everyone, watch tv, etc..but i need dana time..i need to chill i need to get my stuff done and i can't do that anymore b/c i'm having to stretch myself in 500 directions, i want to spend time with the boy and other friends, but i'm afraid to lose my friendship with #3 so i stay at home more than normal, i feel bad about leaving, so all the time i spend at the home i spend interacting with whoever is here,which i believe is causing an even bigger drift between the two of us, b/c i dont want to be aroudn at all any more..no longer do i leave to go see the boy just b/c i want too..now its also an escape..i had to escape last year from ashley, i dont want that again..but i can't figure it out..i just wish she would get involved with something..get off her butt and do something, plans, activities and friendships dont get made by sitting on your butt basking in your lonliness...

another thing..i still haven't jumped off that limb..but i will when the times right..i almost did the other night, and actually wish i had, it was a good time, so i thought but maybe it wasn't...i dont think its what he needs to hear right now. he needs a shoulder to lean on i need to be the strong one for once..ok ok i usually try to be the strong one with anyone else, but with him, i'm weak b/c he knows me inside and out...he was so honest and open with me, and i love that he can show me that side of him. i know he's scared and to be honest I am too, but I'll be there with him every step of the way, i'll help him fight this..or at least pray that God works His way back into his life to show him how God really won't let him fall, and really will pick him up before the burdens and trials get to heavy...i know God will prevail...

...what i dont know is how much more he can handle...so i haven't been completely honest with him..I know i need to get my fears to God and we can figure it out, but i'm scared out of my mind and wish i could tell him what i'm thinking, but its not worth the fear if nothing is going on. i've been doing some research and possibly feeding my hypocondriacc (sp?) tendencies by looking up symptoms and I've come up wtih a possibility of 3 things that could be going on..one is normal and is going to happen no matter what (i hope..ha) #2 i have the slightest fear is going on..its practically impossible and #3...terrifies me, b/c it is possible and yesterday i had the biggest symptom...but i have to make sure #2 wont happen and then i'll get things checked out..really i will..or at least i'll tell someone about whats been going on..so i've got about 2 weeks..then i can worry..just hopefully things dont get worse, i just dont feel up to par, and acting like i feel above that par is making things even worse, but I'm a big girl (who might be stupid for hiding this..) i can handle it..


sorry this makes no sense..none of my stuff does..i just write to write..and i had too..