seaching, reaching, fearing...

just a note to start this out..i've done everything else possible to not write this, my mind is searching and reaching for fear that it will find the answers...

there once was a girl who lived in a house. behind her house was a field of large towering grass which in correct seasons bloomed with sunflowers, daises and poppyseeds. Past that field is a fence, that surrounds the grounds of her house as well as the field. Beyond that fence is the largest tree the girl had ever seen, possibly that had ever grown. If you could get past that tree, and see through its lusty, dependable branches you could see the whole sky and if you looked close enough you could see that star...
getting to the tree was always half her battle, another climbing each of its hundreds of branches to reach the top. there...at the top was where she was always left questioning. This was the point she could venture out just a little further to see the star to reach up and grasp it even, see from this branch, on the edge she could almost reach the heavens, if she took a leap further than the branc she could hold it forever....thats where her problems began...
she was ok in the fields, especially when the daisies were in bloom, and everyonce in awhile she could get herself to go past the gate into the dangers of the open and the tree. Climbing the tree, she'd done her fair share of attempts, but the problem with leaping to catch the star from a branch not high enough was that she'd always fall and with a tree with that many branches she didn't always come down in a comfy pillow of satisifaction for trying...she felt every scratch and bruise that came with it.
she has questioned herself countless times on why she even tries to get to that branch again, but she's through the field--and this was not a season of flowers but of a scarecrow covered in crows-crept through the gate that she had forgotten to close and climbed each daunting branch till she reached the top. thats where she stays...ever inching closer to the edge...she came close tonight to jumping..leaping to see if this time she would land with it's brightness still with her...but as tears welled up in her eyes and she caught the sight of it, she held her breathe...then released it and crawl back to her spot on the top branch...there she was safe...there she could see without falling..
...the problem comes when she can't figure out which hurts worse...leaping and falling only to find the comfort of each caloused branch being her glove...or the thought of the star escaping her sight without ever knowing just how much she desired to be near it...
another day she thought as the climbed down each branch...another day...


...playing piano with your eyes closed...i know every note, its written in my fingers...they just dont trust themselves...thats where i start i guess...

:)

i stole this from someones notes on facebook--its actually lyrics to a song--i tried to listen to it on myspace and well i wasn't really a fan, but i liked the lyrics..so we'll pretend its a poem..

So what if I'm freezing,
I'm awake and I'm happy
The sun's steepling its shards on my floor.
I drag my feet to the shower and I hear someone singing
I keep the lights off as the water gets warm.
Now I knot up tie and toss books in a schoolbag
To keep my priorities straight
So I can sleepwalk through work like an outpatient program
I don't buy but get through anyway.
And at some point I'll call you and tell you I miss you
And you are the point of my day.
nd my face will get flushed and my throat will choke up
When you tell me that you feel the same.

So I have been thinking of splitting up Christmas
To see everyone I'd like to see.
And your first on that list
You’re the lotto I hit
You're the star at the top of my tree.
And I have been feeling this good for a reason
My friends and my family
You are all the backbone.
You keep me balanced and settled
And I’m in debt to you all endlessly.
So tonight I will call you and try to say
"Thank you for being the sun on my face
I know the world's almost over
but you make it seem better
And I hope for you I do the same"
--KEVIN DEVINE

..p.s someone wanna send this to jon mclaughlin and tell him i said hello not hi..and well would he sing this song b/c i'd love it if he, or anyone other than this guy sang it..thanks

...melting

my life is one big refrain

Stitches hid the scars she’d hid so long
Always searching for the niche in which she belonged
Found it once…maybe twice
so easily enticed

fed so many lies
that even her dreams she began to disguise
every time her hopes arose
she was so easily disposed

Finally gave Him her heart
The only way for a new start
Ripped at the seams
Her hearts innocence she prays to redeem

Demons cannot be hurt
But in sin she finds no comfort
Their letters and words
Keeps her at crossroads

don’t know which way to turn
Up is the only way to not get burned
For something right she yearns
To trust not in ones own she must learn

Every time a new page is turned
She seems to always get burned
Is it worth the pain
Or just leading to our refrain

short ..and (i wish) sweet

its amazing the emotions you can go through in one day when the whole world is upside down. Life comes at you pretty dang fast, and lately i just can't keep up. I dont know where i belong in this big place...and i'm sick of searching. My problem is i plan, i know this, but for a girl whose dreams always fall through..you've got to have some kind of plan, or dream to pull you through.
Just once i wish i could make a right decision and stay happy, just once i wish i could hold on to the right people at the right time, and push all the wrong ones away. I just wish i had a foothold in where i was going...and i wish i had someone there with me...

christianity is ridiculous

Don't start your assumptions or give me credit for the title. First off, I consider myself a christian and yearn to live my life fully for God, even though I know i fall short most of the time, and yes..therefore i'm calling myself ridiculous. Second, "Chrisitianity is Ridiculous" is the title for the lessons to come at 180 (campus outreach) this semester..which is what brought me to think of this.

I came to two conclusions tonight... One: I understand why people stay away from so-called christians or are turned away by christianity. Two: I feel like i'm on the right track and the people that bring me down are not the ones you'd expect.

One: God calls us to be HUMBLE.
dictionary.com defines humble as:not proud or arrogant; modest
so why aren't they? why do so many put others down, and try to make themselves out to be a god when they are no better than the guy next to him who spends every night getting high and sleeping with different girls. Each of us sins, each of us makes stupid mistakes, but that makes no one better that anyone else. Shouldn't CHRISTAINS be humbling themeselves to these people instead of being chauvinistic idiots parading around making the "non-christians" feel below them. God loves everyone, no matter what. His love is unconditional for a reason, WE ALL SCREW UP. I completely understand why people wouldn't want to be part of this, from seeing this christian facade. If i hadnt grown up in a church and didnt' already know the amazing perks and amazing-ness that is God my father, i wouldn't want to become part of it either. I dont see eye to eye with a handful of christians, and I am sorry....on the behalf of them i apologize that there are those handful that can make Christianity seem so un-Christ-like.If you dont know Christ..I pray that one day you will come to know the amazing, ever growing, never ceasing Love, Compassion and forgiveness of God... for those handful who give christains a bad name..i give u this to ponder on...
"be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit-just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptist, one God and Father of all, who is overall and through all and in all."
ephesians 4:1-4

two: I am one to admit that i fail sometimes..ya know what, I'm wrong A LOT of the time, i dont always do things right, i lie, i sin...and yes i'm going to say it..I"M NOT PERFECT. but right now I love where my life is going and i feel like right now i'm on the RIGHT track. yes i think i'm in over my head right now with school and projects but "With God all things are possible" No, i may not end up with straight A's..God doens't promise me that, but he promises me time and strength and love to keep me going. I have Mark 10:27 written on my wall and looking at it and remmebering to breathe i don't get as stressed.
I may be lonely right now, but i'm where i need to be. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year...and you know what I'm happy about that. I have someone I like a lot right now, but more than anything i value his friendship and if things work out..its not the title of relationship that i want..its just knowing he's within reach, a phone call away, able to give me a hug and tell me i'm stupid when i need to hear it.
I may not be hanging out with the most perfect christians, even worse..some maynot even fully believe (OMG!!!) but that doenst' make me or them any less of a person. the funny thing is, i've gotton to a point where they dont even bring me down, its some of the others that do. Its strange to see myself falter more around certain (not all of them..dont get me wrong) christains who are supposed to be my brothers/sisters in Christ, when instead they push me down and make me second guess friendships and beliefs. Thats not right...therefore, again I must be strong and move on. Its the only way for me to be who i yearn to be...its the only way to stay out of the hole that i so often get put in...i'm putting dirt in that hole and builiding a sand castle on top...

sometimes too hard to remember...

so i was just editing my profile on here and it said, "random question," and me, who always jumps ahead too fast, didn't see the actual "random question" written there (ya know like do you prefer a pet fish or iguana) So i thought you were supposed to make up a random question... ya, I dont know,I'm new to this blogger thing, xanga was less high tech if I may say...Anyway...so i wrote the question.."if you had to pick one quote from a movie to basically sum up you, or your life, what would it be."

And of course when you think up a question it is only fair and natural to know what your answer would have been. So, for me, my quote would be from Elizabethtowne...Claire says, "I'm impossible to forget, but hard to remember..."

Ya that's me! I seem to be really hard to remember in certain times (that may end up being cruical to a relationship, activity, etc..) but when no one else is around... I'm always there, never forgotton...I dont think i like that i'm this way...I blame it on me being "too nice" but seriously..sometimes i wonder why i have any confidence at all. I'm so easily dropped and avoided, yet i'm supposably so important and crucial at the same time...I dont understand it. Dont know what i try anymore actually...

maybe that should be my new plan...forget to remember those who can't seem to remember how they can't forget about me...

...and they say i'm an enigma...ha