deeply affected by the things i watch

..i think i'm starting to become depressed..or something..idk, i'm stressed and all i do is school and i dont like it..
i can't get back to my standard, i can't be happy or sad..i'm just indifferent..

except of course when i watch a cheesy movie (27 dresses..not cheesy best movie out there at the time) or greys anatomy or anything..its the only time i feel extremes..i hate emotional rollercoasters

who needs angels anyway...

sara bareilles has to be my favorite female musician at the moment, and in my period of dwindling down to nothing, but an indifferent, useless, ball of hurt..i've come to enjoy her song come around soon very much..

could use another cigarette.But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet.One too many drinks tonight and I miss you,Like you were mine
Your stormy words have barely brokenAnd you sound like thunder though you've barely spokenOh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God,Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
You may be my final match.'Cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catchIt never took much to keep me satisfiedBut all this bullshit you feed me you miss me you need meThis hungry heart will not subside
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave like I'm just one more tortured heartBut baby don't be fooled.Cause these cracks that I show as I'm watching you go aren't tearing me apartAnd I know I'll see you soon
The angels said I'd smile today. Aw well who needs angels anyway?
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.


the only thing keeping me sane almost fell apart last night..i hate this "being left" complex i have...but its hard to expect more when you've never received it...

scared

i'm not ok..something is wrong. I'm so indifferent to everything and i just dont feel like me anymore. and the only person i feel comfortable talking to about it, i can't...

how do you tell the one person who keeps your life together that you're falling apart...especially when you are trying to make sure all the pieces of him are staying together without letting him know that maybe you are scared...

rants and rawrs

roommates are a crazy thing...sometimes you love 'em, sometimes they can drive you up the wall. well i've got 3 lovely ladies as my roommates. #1 is quirky, messy and loud, but never around, so really all i see of her is the whirlwind of her messes as she runs out the door. #2 lives a life around her boyfriend, who she never is happy with and always makes her cry, and lately has been mia or around but not "around". she also happens to be leaving us next year and hasn't told us yet (she told two of our mutual friends...riight smart idea..)which is making me beyond angry...and #3...she's pessimisstic, sarastic and is always right..and has been my friend for a very long time. I love them all, especailly #3, but i'm going crazy.
#3 let me know that i was spending too much time away..which i agree ..i was, but now i feel like i have to be around everytime she is home.. but when i'm there about half the time i'm going out of my mind because i'm being argued with, cleaning up after the other three, or being told how lonely and bored #3 is..ya thats right a constant packing of my bags for that guilt trip. now dont get me wrong the other half of the time i love being around her, joking and doing things..but i can't take extended periods of time there...this is who i am. If i am at home, i like to spend time with everyone, watch tv, etc..but i need dana time..i need to chill i need to get my stuff done and i can't do that anymore b/c i'm having to stretch myself in 500 directions, i want to spend time with the boy and other friends, but i'm afraid to lose my friendship with #3 so i stay at home more than normal, i feel bad about leaving, so all the time i spend at the home i spend interacting with whoever is here,which i believe is causing an even bigger drift between the two of us, b/c i dont want to be aroudn at all any more..no longer do i leave to go see the boy just b/c i want too..now its also an escape..i had to escape last year from ashley, i dont want that again..but i can't figure it out..i just wish she would get involved with something..get off her butt and do something, plans, activities and friendships dont get made by sitting on your butt basking in your lonliness...

another thing..i still haven't jumped off that limb..but i will when the times right..i almost did the other night, and actually wish i had, it was a good time, so i thought but maybe it wasn't...i dont think its what he needs to hear right now. he needs a shoulder to lean on i need to be the strong one for once..ok ok i usually try to be the strong one with anyone else, but with him, i'm weak b/c he knows me inside and out...he was so honest and open with me, and i love that he can show me that side of him. i know he's scared and to be honest I am too, but I'll be there with him every step of the way, i'll help him fight this..or at least pray that God works His way back into his life to show him how God really won't let him fall, and really will pick him up before the burdens and trials get to heavy...i know God will prevail...

...what i dont know is how much more he can handle...so i haven't been completely honest with him..I know i need to get my fears to God and we can figure it out, but i'm scared out of my mind and wish i could tell him what i'm thinking, but its not worth the fear if nothing is going on. i've been doing some research and possibly feeding my hypocondriacc (sp?) tendencies by looking up symptoms and I've come up wtih a possibility of 3 things that could be going on..one is normal and is going to happen no matter what (i hope..ha) #2 i have the slightest fear is going on..its practically impossible and #3...terrifies me, b/c it is possible and yesterday i had the biggest symptom...but i have to make sure #2 wont happen and then i'll get things checked out..really i will..or at least i'll tell someone about whats been going on..so i've got about 2 weeks..then i can worry..just hopefully things dont get worse, i just dont feel up to par, and acting like i feel above that par is making things even worse, but I'm a big girl (who might be stupid for hiding this..) i can handle it..


sorry this makes no sense..none of my stuff does..i just write to write..and i had too..

new year, new classes

well school started today, ok to be technical yesterday they started..but for me really today. i think this year is going to be a good year, i'm making 2008 my upwards spiral, it started of course in about september with life in general but now i'm going to add in a better schedule (minus spanish..rawr) and i'm ready to get that first step forward to my best year yet in college..

ya ya we all know i can only blog when i'm upset or fired up about something, but i'm gonna try to do this more frequently, maybe every once in awhile you'll catch a good one :)