just the way he speaks drives me crazy and not in a good way, and i realize that now. after-the-fact.
After-the-fact...what a strange yet depressing term. Sometimes I wish we didnt' have to learn after the fact. I wish i could see straight through people, see past the fake intentions and insecurities to what makes them act... we'll see.

running today i thought of something, well no something I pretty much continually think about lately..and by lately i mean the last 9 months..(no i'm not pregnant!!!! ) yes, joseph :) and then I thought about brandon chandler..weird huh? For those of you who dont know BC, he lived in my neighborhood before i moved to where my parents live now and we were decently good friends. We always discussed relationships and such and something he always told me (as background-he was never really given the chance he deserved from girls, including myself) that "nice guys finish last" and ya know what....I hope he is right. I have the perfect guy, and secretly I hope he does finish last, because that means I get to continue to have the best guy I could ever dream of...


ok enough of that..i dont think like that anymore for a reason..same reason i keep biting my tongue...things are good why mess them up...

i'm yours..

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch closer dear
and i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
My breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what i be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
this is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A lá one big family (2nd time: A lá happy family; 3rd time: A lá peaceful melody)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No please, don't hesitate
no more, no more
It cannot wait
The sky is your's!

unraveling enigma

I love how I still get excited when Joe and I go on dates..granted we've both been poor lately and haven't gone on a "real" date in awhile, but I feel so giddy knowing that he's about to come pick me up and take me to dinner.. 7 months ago he was just my best friend, and we were just getting back to that best friend status after a long period of awkwardness...

i know i still confuse the boy, and that is partly because I am woman (hear me rawr..ha) and the other just because I'm his enigma.."a person of puzzling or contradictory character,a riddle"
I dont see how I'm a riddle to him anymore, I dont see how he can't see straight through me...straight thru the "I like yous" to see that they are really "I love yous" ...but how do you tell someone you've confused for the last two years that you honestly love them and dont want to confuse them anymore..or even harder how do you let your own heart believe the I love you coming from your voice after hearing it so many other times and knowing there was no substance to it..
Love is my enigma...I still don't understand God's love, no thats wrong, I do understand God's love I just lose grasp of it too easily...but I haven't figured out how to find the connection between Loving God first and loving others second...I think love follows another definition of enigma...something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained;...

continuing to climb but never settling and trying to jump..

forgive and forget

last sunday-easter sunday, my church started out with a familar song that I never thought of in the way it was portrayed..partly because i never thought about the words. (my church is very very contemporary)

the transporters song..what i've done by linkin park
In this farewell There's no blood There's no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth Of a thousand lies
So let mercy come And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
Put to rest What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands Of uncertainty
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
For what I've done I'll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

these lyrics are so powerful, and to answer the question i just received...i needed it to forgive..i need it to let go.
Baggage sucks.period.
Go to God, lay it down on the alter, give it up. All easy words, all almost impossible actions. "Come Beloved"...i hear it, i fear it more..

A knot of thankfulness and hurt because of one person. I thank God he was in my life, because he brought me out of a hole so deep, a torment so wide, a friend when i felt i had none, because he gave me hope and made me realize maybe i did deserve better...but then nothing...I emailed him today, just to say hey...i am beyond happy with Joseph so no fear in that...i even heard he has a girl too..so no harm done...Now he is in the box, God has it under control.."Today this ends"

next step: dealing with saturday...

Let mercy come ...

swinging of life

i'm confused at life..it just wont swing my way.

deeply affected by the things i watch

..i think i'm starting to become depressed..or something..idk, i'm stressed and all i do is school and i dont like it..
i can't get back to my standard, i can't be happy or sad..i'm just indifferent..

except of course when i watch a cheesy movie (27 dresses..not cheesy best movie out there at the time) or greys anatomy or anything..its the only time i feel extremes..i hate emotional rollercoasters

who needs angels anyway...

sara bareilles has to be my favorite female musician at the moment, and in my period of dwindling down to nothing, but an indifferent, useless, ball of hurt..i've come to enjoy her song come around soon very much..

could use another cigarette.But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet.One too many drinks tonight and I miss you,Like you were mine
Your stormy words have barely brokenAnd you sound like thunder though you've barely spokenOh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God,Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
You may be my final match.'Cause I chase everything when you play throw and I play catchIt never took much to keep me satisfiedBut all this bullshit you feed me you miss me you need meThis hungry heart will not subside
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.
Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave like I'm just one more tortured heartBut baby don't be fooled.Cause these cracks that I show as I'm watching you go aren't tearing me apartAnd I know I'll see you soon
The angels said I'd smile today. Aw well who needs angels anyway?
CHORUS
He's taken and leaving but I keep believingHe's gonna come round soonTill I see him again I'm staying believingThat it won't be deceiving when he's gonna come round soon.


the only thing keeping me sane almost fell apart last night..i hate this "being left" complex i have...but its hard to expect more when you've never received it...