Done

As new President Barack Obama has said countless times, it's time for a change...and I'm not so sure how he's gonna change things, but I finally just did...

I let go. 

It's an odd thing moving on. I dont' know how i feel yet. Ripping up the letters, felt good. Covering them in the trash so I dont have to see them at breakfast tomorrow, was not so good. I mean obviously I moved on a long time ago, I'm extremely happy. But i guess i hadn't let go... completely

Relief is another big thought going through my mind. It's over. I have the most amazing guy in the whole world and finally I don't have to worry about anything else. (minus school, I dont even wnat to go into that right now)  I love him, and there's nothign holding me back anymore, no doubts about it. 

Things are changing, but finally I'm excited about it. Things are about to get good. :)

goodbye...

France

I leave for France tomorrow and I made a blog for my family..the link is on the right side of the page but just in case, go here- http://landersgofrench.blogspot.com/ to keep tabs on me and my family!

merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I'll be back January 3rd

on my knees

i'm making myself sick to my stomach...i just want things to be better. I just want everything to be how it's supposed to be. I just don't know what that is.
Being a kid was so much easier. The hardest choices I had to make were to color or play with my dolls, to watch rugrats or ninja turtles...now life sucks. I want to do what God wants for me but I have no idea what that is!?!? I wish I could just be like Evan Almighty or Bruce Almighty and just be able to see God and talk face to face with him, have him send me packages telling me what to do...ahhhh I dont want to be wasting time if I'm not in the right place, if I'm not doing the right things but I have no idea what is right and what is wrong..all i know is i feel sick, I just want to sit in a ball and cry all the time..

of course this has to happen at finals too..

i really dont need to watch stupid girly love movies...rawr

Ode to the park...

this is the second edition of my "ode to .." poems, if you missed the first, i'll add it as a comment, not gonna lie its meant to be read

on that note i shall remind all of you at magnolia how poorly run your complex is and as quoted many times in all my mass communications classes a great quote..."don't pick fights with people who buy their ink by the barrell"...or those who know how to work with the people who do...moohoohahaha

Ode to Magnolia Park

Park, oh park

where do i start?

Oh park oh park

I'm afraid to go out after dark

Front page news you might have made

its wasn't for the "cheap" prices we've paid

Cars and rooms gettin broken into

and still you wonder why residents are few?

Again i'll mention the prices are steep

with workers like yours, residents you wont keep

walls so thin, forget about sleep

here comes the fire alarm.. 18-19-20--BEEP

yup thats right, every twenty seconds it sounds

but behind a locked door it still resounds

what? give me a key? 

that'd be too easy

 fill out an order from, that'd be GREAT

Dont' worry about the beeping, i'll just wait

in a week or so that problem will be solved

and maybe my hearing or sleeping will have evolved

afternoon shuttles are always late

only part of what i hate

rap at 8 in the morning

party shuttle horn will wake you without warning 

Your ads in the nade

wouldn't make the grade

all your pictures are stetched

gaining new residents from these, is really farfetched

next year lower prices, what about me?

lived here two years, you just jacked up my fee

Didn't get any perks from signing last year

Next year I'm so glad I won't be living here!

:)

"All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on"

what is it with this time of year...with that song..

leave me alone for a weekend with nothing to do but argue with my thoughts and a book on love and i fall apart. I thought grey's anatomy was bad enough, now this...

There she was again, sprawled out on the bed, same spotted comforter same tear streaked pillows, just a different room and a different reason. This time she only wished she could figure out the real reason. See, somewhere along the way, since the last time she was here she'd lost herself. Now in the midst of her thoughts and cries she can't figure out which way is up. No longer could she rely on leaps of faith, she'd already jumped, full speed ahead, and now lay suspended above the ground not knowing which way to go.... Afraid to go to God, afriad to get on her knees she just cried, praying under her breathe, maybe He'd still hear her...

Checking her makeup in the mirror, she saw how her tears made her even less graceful, but who was pretty through tears, especially when she didn't even recognize the person in the mirror. 

She was actually happy underneath the stress and confusion, but wasn't sure how long that feeling would last, it changed so frequently lately. One minute she was head over heels the next afraid of the truths that made her not deserve it...Nothing comes easy these days. That's part of growing up she realizes, no longer sure she is ready to be an adult. Terror is all that goes her mind when she weighs options., Next year she'll be on her own, graduated (giving all her money to the socialist government she now lives in) away from all that she defines herself by. She knows it true, when everything else is gone, when she's all alone theres nothing there...she was empty with out people to tell her how to act and how to feel. Just a shell, with nothing inside...Except those tears

Maybe its time to throw the shell out, break free and see... the problem is that comes with consequences, ones i'm not ready to face...

"Feels like I slip further from you every single day

It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain

And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes

Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
Ooh, I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain"

"butterflies are free fly why, do they fly away, leaving me to carry on and wonder why..."

hello blog, its been awhile..

Three things..

1.  Growing up sucks

2. I found a garden

3. I have no ambition to succeed anymore

1. Growing up sucks, thats pretty much sums it up. Adult doctors are mean and uncaring, adult decisions are hard and complicated, adult situations come with too many strings...I dont know my place...

2. I found a garden..seems right out of secret garden huh? I can even hear that creepy little girl saying it.."

i found a garden, its a secret garden" all in her british voice almost whispering it...anyway. I didn't really find a garden, I just remembered about one on campus. As much as I hate school these last couple of weeks..hell this whole semester, I still love this campus and this place. But, for the first time, I tried to study in the little garden in the middle of the A&S building. Its a little dead and dark, but it s

mells amazing and their are little blooms everywhere. And the trees..wow, I love fall..Fall could be another number in itself. But there was this one tree, its leaves a deep red, it was amazing. Took away

 from the evil spanish i was studying. It was perfect...but then, of course, I was kicked out of the g

arden, not literally. More of pushed out because a class was coming out there and there weren't enough chairs and no way could i study with a class sitting all around me, crowded out if you will.  Something always finds its way in, something always more important, better...I've learned to accept it... One day. One day, nothing will get in the way of where i'm supposed to be and it will be beautiful.

3. No ambition. I need a fall break, i'm worn out. Stressed to the point of breaking, I see the light but I dont k

now if I know how to relax anymore when I finally reach the light. Plus, no matter what effort I put in, I go no where. I hate spanish. Have I said that before? Just in case not, I'll say it again. I HATE spanish.  Work is almost as draining as school. Being a hard worker is giving me no ambition when everyone around me slacks off and works half ass and still gets paid  the same or a little less then me, why even try. To bad I can't NOT try...dangit stupid work ethic...

SPEAKING OF WORK ETHIC... what's the point of striving to excel with taxes Obama plans to emplement. Do I think I will be making over 100,000 in the next four years (hopeful thinking)? NO, but what's the point of trying too? Why would I want to go back to school, spending money that to get an education that will allow me to make more money in a work place when I'm going to be giving a large portion of that money to people who POSSIBLY don't deserve it. Yes, some do, but some are lazy ass people who just sit on their butts all day and would rather live off of hand outs...why should I be one of the people that gives them a hand out? Why no sit back, watch some tv and decide not to get up for awhile...I'll still make money and this time I wont have to do anything for it. This is why I have no ambition...why i hate having a work ethic and wanting to always do my best, be my bed

(side note, i have nothing against the person, Barack Obama, I am actually proud to say America has a black president, even though he's only half black. But I dont agree with his policies and that does not make me racist, so shut up people! I dont care what you think about abortion, letting a baby die that has developed enough to breathe and cry outside of the womb is murder, not abortion. And I wont start on his health plans, i'm just praying I dont have a surgery in the next 4 years, God forbid I have to think about 8 years, that would be 12 years without surgery, i'm lucky when it comes to my surgeries but I dont think i'm that lucky.. sorry for the rambling, I"m going to support our President because thats what America is supposed to do, even though I can make a pretty accurate guess that 95% of the people who are bitching that "this is america support your president" have been doing anything BUT that the last couple of years with President Bush. So ya...breathe...exhale..done)

AND...I want a kitten